


Enamored

by joshlerstan



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Based on a True Story, Friends to Lovers, IRL Joshler, M/M, Mental Illness, Mentions of Suicide, Religious Guilt, Self Harm, Slow Build, Suicide, therapy sessions, very vague
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-09 15:24:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7807084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joshlerstan/pseuds/joshlerstan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They were friends in the beginning. They were lovers in the end. It was never supposed to be like this. What are you supposed to do when you fall in love with your best friend?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

_They were friends in the beginning._

 

The never kept secrets from each other intentionally. They were never nervous around each other. Maybe once or twice, but only in the very beginning. Of course, they connected quickly. They always let the other know what was on their minds. People dreamt of the kind of friendship they shared. Some were jealous, too. Putting their relationship into words is difficult, to say the least.

When you share your most personal thoughts and troubles with someone, you develop a bond with them. It's like sex. You're giving an actual part of yourself away to somebody. Unlike sex, that kind of intimacy requires a level of trust not many people have. They had that kind of trust with each other. It didn't take long for said "level of trust" to form. It happened overnight actually. It came as a surprise to both of them how quickly they let their guards down.

Everything was better for the both of them when they were together. They each struggled when they were alone. For a long time, neither of them knew what was going to happen next. Choosing a career choice was the main focus of their lives, as it is for many young adults such as themselves. As time passed, things got harder. After they met, things got easier. It's very simple. They brought happiness to each other. Such a great amount of happiness.

 

_They were lovers in the end._

 

They fell in love fast and they fell for each other at the same time. They didn't know it was love at first. Sometimes when a new friendship evolves, emotions can be mistaken for something they aren't. This wasn't the case. They were deeply in love with each other. Love can be a scary thing. The saying is very overused, perhaps because it's true. In their case, they lived that fear for a long time. Imagine not being able to tell your best friend that you're in love, because you're in love with your best friend.

They pretended like it wasn't happening-that they weren't secretly in love with each other. Everything would be so much simpler if they were just friends. There's no easy way to ask someone if they love you back. So they hid behind their friendship for as long as they could. It was a delicate situation that neither of them wanted to disrupt. But eventually the truth was revealed, and that's where the story starts.


	2. I want to know his name

_Columbus, OH. December, 2010._

 

It's a very cold, bitter night in Columbus. The past few Friday nights haven't been as eventful as most people would like them to be due to the constant fall of snow. Luckily, yesterday's temperature was high enough to melt some of the ice off of the roads. It's still snowing lightly throughout the city, but that won't stop the frequent party goers from going out tonight.

Josh flips a homemade CD over in his hand and looks at the scribbled song titles written on the back. He usually doesn't listen to music when it's recommended to him, but for some reason he decided to give his friend's band a shot. He hates to admit it, but he's grown extremely fond of these songs. He's analyzed each lyric over the past week. He admires the singer's voice, his way of saying things, and quite frankly, Josh is impressed by these pieces of music.

Tonight Josh has the opportunity to see this band live. They're called twenty | one | pilots. The band is made up of only three guys. A bassist, his friend Chris, and a singer (who is also an outstanding songwriter). Josh is going with some friends to the highly anticipated show. Now he just has to wait for his ride to show up.

Josh steps out of the car and into the coldness. He lifts his hoodie over his head to protect himself from the ice cold snowflakes falling around him. He follows the group of people into a small bar where the concert will be held. As he enters the venue, a wave of nervousness washes over over him. He shakes it off and goes to join the crowd of people huddled around a small stage. On the stage is a piano, a bass stand, and a drum set. There's a blue-ish light illuminating the room.

"Hey, when will the show start?" Josh asks the person beside him.

"I don't know."

Josh nods. He turns his head to face the stage again. The wait is putting him on edge. He stands by himself, eyes ahead.

After what seems like an hour, he sees a tall man walk onto stage. He wonders if it's the singer that he's grown to admire over the past few days. The man picks up the bass. Not him. He watches his friend Chris join the stage and take a seat behind the drums. Josh feels his heart begin to pump faster. He's actually nervous to see the the face behind the vocals. A third man walks onto stage. Josh's eyes focus on him. He takes in all the man's features as he sits down at the piano bench. The room suddenly fills with sound but Josh can hardly pay attention to the music. His eyes stay focused on the man behind the piano. _What's his name_? he wonders. _I want to know his name_.

The show begins. The crowd's enthusiasm is contagious and Josh is enjoying being in a room filled with slightly sweaty strangers. He's mesmerized. The man behind the piano is singing with such energy he could've played this show by himself and still rocked the room. As the show goes on, Josh becomes more and more captivated. Seeing the music be played live is a totally different experience than just listening to it alone in his apartment. The singer puts everything into every word he sings.

Josh starts to push himself deeper into the tiny crowd of people in order to have a better view. He watches sweat roll down the singers face. Josh doesn't take his eyes off of him. Eventually the man behind the piano isn't behind the piano but _on top_ of it. He untangles the microphone cord from around his legs to prevent him from tripping and falling to the floor. The man screams his lyrics with a great amount of passion. It's like he wants each individual to feel his words as he sings them. For some reason, Josh knows most every person in the room will go home tonight and _feel_ them.

The man on top of the piano suddenly jumps down. He drags the microphone cord behind him and approaches the crowd in front of him. He touches the hands of the people waving them in front of his face while he sings. It's an incredible scene to watch. The performance just keeps getting better and better, and Josh doesn't want it to end.

After they play their last song, the people in the crowd start to back away from the stage and find their friends. The room is filled with smiling, sweaty faces.

"Pretty good, huh?" asks one of Josh's friends.

"Oh yeah, they were awesome." Awesome is an understatement. Josh is blown away.

"Let's wait around for a while. Meet the rest of the band," the friend suggests.

"Alright, cool," Josh nods.

Josh has known since the beginning that he would probably meet the band tonight, but he didn't expect to feel this level of anxiety about it. The singer not only intimidates him, but also _intrigues_ him. Of course he wants to have a conversation with the guy. He wants to understand him better. But that doesn't make the nervous feeling at the bottom of his stomach disappear.

Josh wipes the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. He catches himself worrying about his appearance. He wants to make a good first impression. The idea of running to the bathroom and fixing his hair is shut down when the three guys who were just on stage walk up to his group of friends.

Josh smiles at Chris, the drummer, his friend who invited him to the show. Josh tries to keep his eyes from sticking to the singer's figure in front of him. He shakes hands with the bassist.

"Tyler Joseph." Josh turns his head to see a hand stretched out in front of him. He sees the singer up close for the first time. His hair is sweaty, shirt sticking to his chest, cheeks a light pink color.

"Josh Dun." Josh finally introduces himself. He grabs Tyler's hand and shakes it. His hand is much larger than Tyler's. The singer has delicate, slender fingers. "Great show."

"Glad you enjoyed it." Tyler smiles at Josh. Their hands are still placed inside one another's. Josh removes his first, clearing his throat.

"I do music, too. I drum in a band. We play around this area sometimes." Josh begins making conversation. He wants to talk to Tyler as long as possible.

"Oh yeah. Chris told me about you." Tyler flicks his eyes over to Chris for a moment before focusing back on Josh's face. "We should play a show together," Tyler suggests. His eyes wander to the gauges in Josh's ears. Tyler thinks he's a lot sweeter than he looks. He's not at all intimidating.

"Alright, sounds like a plan." Josh's grin grows. He wants to keep talking to Tyler. _Think of something. Think of something to say to him_. "How long have you been playing music?" Josh asks.

"Um," Tyler sighs, "a few months now, I guess. With these guys." he motions to his bandmates who have now moved across the room. "I did some solo stuff a while back, but then decided to be in a band instead."

"I'd love to hear it. Your solo stuff." Josh wants to hear everything Tyler has ever created.

"Oh," Tyler shakes his head, scrunching up his face, "it's not any good."

"I can't imagine you making music that isn't any good," Josh says. It sounds _so_ cheesy.

"Well, thanks, but, I made it when I was in High School and it's just very, not good." Tyler finds himself blushing. "I don't know. Maybe one day."

"We should hang out sometime," Josh blurts out. He isn't in control of his own words anymore.

"Yes. Yes, I'll give you my number." Tyler pats the pockets on his pants as if he's looking for a pen and paper to write his number down; which is ridiculous because who writes their number down on a pieces of paper anymore? Josh saves Tyler from any further awkwardness by taking his phone out of his pocket. He presses a few buttons then hands the phone to Tyler.

"Here." Tyler reaches for the phone. He types in his name and number. Josh looks around the room. He doesn't know how long they've been talking. He only knows it hasn't been long enough. Josh looks back at Tyler just in time to see him raise the cellphone slightly above his head and take a photo of himself. Tyler gives the phone back to Josh.

"Sweet," Josh smiles. He slides the phone into his pocket. "I should probably go and say hey to everyone. It was really nice meeting you," Tyler says to Josh.

"Oh, yeah. Nice to meet you too." Josh shakes Tyler's hand one last time.

"We'll hang right? Text me?" Tyler says and he starts backing away.

"Yep." Josh raises his hand to wave goodbye and Tyler disappears into the crowd of conversation.

Josh stands alone. He looks around and spots the few people he came with hanging out by the door. He walks over to them.

"Ready?" one of them asks. Josh nods.

On the drive back to his apartment, Josh looks at the tiny photo of Tyler that he took of himself on his phone. He can't stop smiling at it.

-

Tyler loves to talk to people after each show. Tonight was different. He felt a connection with someone. This happens occasionally when talking to people about music, but tonight was _different_. It may just be the lack of sleep getting to him. He doesn't know yet.

Tyler should have gotten Josh's number, because now he's lying awake in bed with a thousand questions running through his head. He wants to ask Josh a total of one thousand questions, but he's unable to do that right now.

Josh is awake, too. He's playing that demo of twenty | one | pilots songs over and over on his laptop. He wants to text Tyler. _No, too soon_ , he thinks. Why does he care so much about Tyler? What is it about him that he's so fascinated by?

-

The weekend passes and the week begins. Josh is distracted at work. He can't stop thinking about _him_. Then again, who wouldn't get distracted every once and a while if your job was washing dishes. He's decided that he's going to make plans with Tyler this week. He hasn't texted him yet, but he will. He just has to build up the courage to do so. Tyler has been waiting for Josh to text him. He's been picking up his phone every few minutes and checking the screen even though he knows nobody has texted him.

They've both got it bad.

-

_hey it's Josh Dun. what are you up to?_

Tyler reads the message on his screen, replying instantly.

_It's Friday night so I'm obviously partying._

Josh snorts when he gets the message back from Tyler.

_you should come over to my place. i ordered 12 tacos from Taco Bell and i can't eat them all by myself_

_of course, when you get done partying_

As soon as Tyler reads the second text from Josh, he's already putting his shoes on.

 _I have a bit of time now actually. Send me your address. I'll be right over_.

Tyler grabs his car keys and exits his parents house - because he still lives with them. He reads over the address Josh sent him. He recognizes the street. It's only a few blocks from where he lives. He begins driving.

Tyler arrives at Josh's apartment. He walks up a short flight of stairs and looks for room 207. He finds it, but double checks Josh's text to make sure he has the right room before knocking. Josh opens his door almost immediately.

"Hey," Josh greets Tyler. He looks at Tyler from head to toe; he looks rather cute with his oversized winter coat zipped up to the tip of his chin. "Come in," Josh says, catching himself staring.

"Thanks." Tyler enters Josh's apartment. He unzips his coat. He soon after regrets removing his jacket when he notices how chilly it is. "Do you live here alone?"

"Yeah, right now. My roommate moved out a couple weeks ago. Haven't found his replacement yet." Tyler follows Josh to the couch. Tyler looks down at the wrappers on the floor under the coffee table. "Help yourself." Josh grins and sits down on the couch. Tyler sits down beside him. He's ecstatic to see a nearly a dozen tacos waiting for him to eat.

  
-

"I've been wanting to ask you," Tyler says, mouth half full, "what kind of music does your band play?" There's one of the one thousand questions that have been circulating in Tyler's head since last Friday. Only 999 questions left to ask.

"We're kind of a Christian Rock band," Josh says. He wipes the grease off his hands with a napkin.

"Kinda?" Tyler finishes off his third taco.

"It's really up to the listeners to decide what music you're making, isn't it?" Josh leans back against the couch.

"Yeah, I guess," Tyler thinks about what Josh said. He thinks about it a lot.

-

"I want to do more than just get out of my parents house," Tyler says. Him and Josh have moved from the couch to the floor. They're laying on their backs eating Oreos now. "I wanna do something big," he spreads his arms out.

"Like what?" Josh takes apart the Oreo in his hand and scraps the white filling off with his teeth.

"Like," Tyler sighs, "I don't know, man. I want to change someone's life," Tyler rolls his head over to the side so he's face to face with Josh.

"That is big." Josh stares at Tyler with a straight face.

"It's stupid." Tyler smiles shyly and looks away.

"No, it isn't." Josh sits up off of the floor and rests his hands behind him. "I think you can do it. Honestly."

"Really?" Tyler stays laying down. He places his hands behind his head. Josh notices the spot of ink on the inside of Tyler's right arm.

"Nice tat." Josh points. "What's it mean?"

"It means..." Tyler's eyes stick to the ceiling. He laughs. "It means people who take apart Oreos and eat the filling shouldn't be allowed to live." He doesn't trust. Not yet.

"Oh." Josh snorts. "I thought they were roman numerals."

Josh lays back down beside Tyler on the hard flooring. It's past midnight already but neither of the boys care about the time. They've been too focused on each other to care about anything else.

"How did you get into music?" Josh asks Tyler. He's genuinely curious about this.

"Oh boy." Tyler inhales a large breath. "There was this keyboard in my closet. My mom gave it to me for Christmas, but I just put it away. Hid it, like, I really didn't care anything about it. Then one day, out of pure boredom, I took it out of the closet." Tyler picks up another Oreo. "On the keyboard, there was a button that you could press and it would play a song for you. A song that someone else wrote. I thought, wow. Someone created that. It wasn't there one minute and then it was the next. I wanted to do that." Tyler bites into the Oreo. "I became obsessed with creating. It kind of freaked everyone out at first. Especially me. I just wanted to make something that was mine."

"Why were they freaked out?" Josh asks.

"I guess because it wasn't like me. I played basketball. That was my thing, it had always been my thing." Tyler brushes his hands together, crumbs falling onto his chest and stomach. "Anyways, that's when I started writing."

"Why'd you start writing?" Josh is so intrigued by Tyler. He wants to know every single detail him.

"I don't really know." Tyler tilts his head to the side, deep in thought. "It made me feel...better. I never really knew how to deal with my problems. I hated talking, still do. I had to find a way to help myself." The corners of Tyler's mouth move upwards for a moment in a shy grin. "Writing became this huge outlet for me. I could write down things, sing them, and nobody would judge me."

Josh gives Tyler every ounce of his attention. If fondness could kill, Josh would be 6 feet under.

"That's cool."

"Cool doesn't pay the bills, unfortunately."

"Obviously." Josh smiles 

Tyler turns his head to Josh again. They make eye contact. For a moment, Tyler feels himself _trus_ t. It's only for a moment, though. The feeling goes away when his eyes return to the ceiling.

"I wanna continue pursing music as a career. I don't care if I have to live in my parents basement for the rest of my life." Tyler places his hands behind his head again, resting his neck on his fingers.

"Me too. The music thing. Not live in my parents basement for the rest of my life."

-

They talk for hours. One hour. Two hours. Three hours. It's four o'clock in the morning. They're still laying on their backs. An empty package of Oreos, three empty bottles of Red Bull, an empty bag of Doritos, a half empty jar of pickles, all on the floor next to them.

"Dude. Just imagine." Tyler stands up off the floor, fist around a Red Bull. His fourth Red Bull to be exact. "An arena. A huge arena filled with people. And, and there's a backdrop of the band name behind me. It says "Twenty One Pilots" in big letters. And I'm standing on my piano," he chugs the remains of the energy drink in his hand and sets it on the coffee table beside him. "And everyone is chanting the band name. Over and over again. And they're all there for me."

Josh sits with his legs crossed, looking at Tyler while he speaks. There's a huge smile on his face.

"I can see it, like, so clearly. I can see everyone in the arena." Tyler runs his fingers through his hair.

"Am I there? Am I in the crowd?" Josh plays into Tyler's dream.

"Duh, you're like, front row," Tyler laughs.

"I'm glad to know you didn't abandon me after you made it big," Josh laughs, too.

"No but listen," Tyler sits down in front of Josh, "we could do it together. We could do all of it together and, and we could, like," Tyler's eyes roam around the room.

"Change people's lives together?"

"Yes!" Tyler snaps his fingers and points to Josh. "Yes, exactly," he blinks slowly.

"Dunno," Josh sighs, "I have work Monday."

"Yeah," Tyler shakes his head, smile fading. "I have to pee," he stands up.

"There's a bathroom by my room," Josh leads Tyler to the bathroom located in his bedroom. They both step over the mess of snacks on the floor.

Josh sits down on his bed. He's tired. His eyelids feel like there's glue stuck to them, but he's been too busy talking to Tyler to realize it. He turns his body, lifting his legs onto his bed, and lays down. He closes his eyes.

"Are you religious?" Tyler steps out of the bathroom to find Josh half asleep on his bed.

"Um," Josh sits up quickly, "yeah, I am."

"I saw the cross." Tyler points to the tiny cross hanging above Josh's bed.

"Oh yeah, that." Josh rubs his eyes.

"Explains why you play in a Christian band." Tyler looks down at his socks. He doesn't even remember removing his shoes.

"That'd be kinda weird. If I wasn't religious and played in a Christian band."

"It'd be even weirder if you were the lead singer," Tyler mumbles. He's tired, eyelids filled with glue.

"Yeah." Josh giggles. "You can..." Josh says softy while motioning to the space at the end of his bed. Tyler hesitates, but climbs onto the bed. He sits with his legs crossed.

"I grew up in a Christian household, did you?" Tyler asks. "Yes."

"It was hard sometimes. That's part of the reason why I started writing songs." Tyler runs his finger along the inside of the thin rubber band on his wrist. "I couldn't say some of the stuff I was thinking."

"More about your fear of being judged?" Josh is starting to know Tyler. He's really starting to _know_ him.

"Yeah," Tyler's fingers stay on the rubber band.

Josh wants to get inside Tyler's head. Not only get inside his head, but understand his head as well. _How can one man be so interesting_? Josh wonders. Tyler is interesting. He's also tired and worried about what might slip out of his mouth if he doesn't get some rest soon.

"The song you sang when you climbed up on the piano, what's that one called?" Josh is trying to stay awake.

"Addict with a Pen," Tyler closes his eyes.

"I like that one a lot."

"If this music thing doesn't work out, I have no backup plan." Tyler moves to the headboard of the bed and rests his back against it so that he's side by side with Josh. "Sometimes I wish I would've just done basketball."

"What do you mean? Like played professionally?" Josh furrows his brows, readjusting the pillow behind him.

"I was offered a scholarship," Tyler grins, "turned it down. I could've gone to college, got a degree, been set for life."

"I bet your parents weren't too happy."

"Nah," Tyler snorts, "they weren't over the moon about it."

"So why'd you pick music? I mean, you had to have known what you were getting yourself into."

"Because music helped me." _Helped him with what_? the question nags at Josh. "I love performing. I love everything about what I do."

"Yeah, so do I," Josh says quietly.

"What's the point of living if you aren't helping anyone?" Tyler whispers.

Josh sinks down into his bed. "So, you think the point of living is to help people?" Josh looks up at Tyler.

"Yeah." Tyler lays down beside Josh, on top of the covers, head resting on a pillow. "What about you? What do you think your purpose is?" Tyler places his hand in front of his face and continues playing with the rubber band around his wrist. He doesn't look at Josh, he looks at the rubber band.

"I don't know," Josh answers honestly. He looks at Tyler. Tyler looks at the rubber band.

"It doesn't scare you? Not knowing?" Tyler asks.

"No." Josh shakes his head. "Does it scare you?"  
"Yes."

"A lot of things scare you."

"Everything is scary."

"Am I?"  
Tyler smiles, removing his fingers from the rubber band, "No."

Outside, it's snowing. It's morning now, and people are starting to wake up. Not Tyler and Josh. They're awake, eyes slit, stifling yawns every other minute.

"In 10 years from now, I want to be able to provide for my family," Josh mumbles.

"In 10 years from now, I want a house of my own," Tyler mumbles, back. They've been playing this game for about five minutes now.

"In 10 years from now...I want...I want to have a family."

"In 10 years from now, I want to have a beard," Tyler giggles. Josh giggles, too. It's not that funny. They're at that point of tiredness when everything is funny and everything is sad.

"In 10 years from now-" Josh puts his hand under his pillow for more support. "I want a full sleeve of tattoos. No, two full sleeves of tattoos."

"Ow." Tyler cringes at the thought "I could barely stand getting one tattoo."

"It hurt that bad?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe you're just a sissy," Josh grins.

"I-" Tyler thinks of a comeback. "Yeah, you're probably right." He's too tired to think of one.

"Okay, it's your turn." Josh nudges Tyler's arm.

"Okay. In 10 years from now," Tyler looks straight at Josh, "I want to not be such a sissy." They both keep straight faces for a few seconds before bursting out in laughter. It's loud, slow, laughter. Tyler pushes his face into the pillow, clutching his stomach. They can't breathe. It's 5am and they can't breathe because they're laughing so hard.

"Imagine," Josh tries to calm down enough to speak, "imagine if all the stuff we've said comes true in 10 years."

"Man." Tyler rolls over on his back. His chest is rising and falling from the intense laughter. "That'd be sweet."

"I don't think you'd look good with a beard though," Josh jokes.

"You're probably right," Tyler agrees, cheeks sore from smiling.

For the first time in a long time, Tyler has actually enjoyed the company of someone else other than himself and his music. It's a strange feeling; being able to talk to someone about the things they talked about tonight. Usually when Tyler tries to talk to people they don't seem to care very much about what he has to say. Josh cared. Josh was interested in what he was saying. Josh didn't judge him, not even once. It felt really good. It felt so good that Tyler wants to talk to Josh every single day for the rest of his life. Josh wouldn't mind that. Josh would love that. And Tyler trusts him.

"John 16:33," Tyler murmurs. Josh blinks a few times before looking at Tyler, confused. "That's what my tattoo means. John 16:33."

Tyler goes into detail explaining the tattoo on his arm. He talks about the significance of that specific verse, and what it means to him. Josh listens, nodding from time to time. He doesn't ask questions. He keeps his eyes open and fixated on Tyler. Eventually, Tyler shuts his eyes. He keeps talking, though. He talks about his tattoo. He talks about tattoos he wants to get. He talks about God and how he likes to write about him. He talks about his doubts. He talks about his fears. He talks until he doesn't talk anymore. He talks himself to sleep and Josh still has his eyes open, looking at him.

There's morning sunlight seeping through the windows in Josh's room. The light stretches across the room, laying itself across Tyler's cheek, making his face an orange-ish pink-ish color. Josh thinks he looks really good like that.

Josh inhales a deep breath, exhaling it and shutting his eyes. He feels the glue spread throughout his eyelids. He misses Tyler already. He's sleeping right next to him but Josh misses him for some reason. He wonders what tomorrow will be like. Will it be the same? Will the trust still be there? He hopes so. There's still so much more he wants to know about Tyler.

 _Tomorrow_ , Josh thinks.

 _Sleep_ , Josh thinks.

 _Tyler_ , Josh thinks.

Josh sleeps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here! Wow! I worked very hard on this first chapter for you guys. I hope it lives up to your expectations. So this fic will basically be the true story of Joshler(?) As true as it gets, I guess. I'm so so so excited to write this story. Obviously I want you guys to enjoy it so I'll be trying my very hardest to please you all. Please leave me a comment and tell me what you think! This is a PSA: if you see a typo, PLEASE TELL ME. Thanks, xoxo Mary.


	3. Have I really lost my mind?

Josh wakes up, fully clothed, in an empty bed.

 _Tyler_ , he thinks.

He sits up and looks around the room. No Tyler. He gets out of bed and walks around his apartment. No Tyler. He finds his phone in between two couch cushions. It's almost two o'clock in the afternoon. No new texts from Tyler.

Josh figures Tyler left his apartment after waking up and realizing spending the night wasn't part of the plan. None of last night was part of the plan. The plan was to talk. Josh's plan was to get to know Tyler better, to ask him a few questions. He accomplished that and then some. Now he's left with nervous, tapping fingers, and permanent butterflies in his stomach. That was not part of his plan.

There's a mess on the floor by the couch. Josh cleans it up, remembering the events that took place last night.

It's two thirty o'clock. No Tyler.

_hey. last night was so much fun. we should do it again. text me?_

Josh sends the message. He sets his phone down beside him on the table as he takes a spoonful of Cheerios in his mouth. His eyes stay on his phone while he eats. He's dripping milk all over the table. _C'mon_ , Josh thinks. _Just text me back_.

Tyler doesn't text him back. It's three o'clock.

Josh types in twenty | one | pilots on his laptop. A YouTube video shows up first, and he clicks it. It's a video of the band performing Addict With A Pen. Josh watches it, his phone next to him. _I'm obsessed_ , he tells himself.

-

It's five o'clock in the afternoon. Josh is close to losing his mind, literally. He's _worried_ about Tyler. He hasn't texted, hasn't called, nothing. He starts to wonder if Tyler got in a car accident on his way home. _What if he's dead?_ Josh tugs at his hair. _The roads are icy. It was stowing last night._ He's overreacting. _Or maybe he just doesn't like me?_ But that's ludicrous. Tyler likes Josh a lot. Tyler trusts him.

It's snowing again. Josh wonders if Tyler is watching the snow fall, too.

-

Tyler is in bed, covers pulled up past his chin. He's been in bed since he got home at 10:43am. He remembers the exact time. He remembers looking at the built in clock on the coffee pot that his mom was standing next to when she yelled at him.

"Tyler, good God. Have you lost your head?" she yelled.

"I haven't slept. Your father and I haven't slept. Tyler? Are you listening to me?" she yelled.

"Take your medicine. Right now," she told him.

He took it and went to bed. He didn't go to sleep immediately. How could he sleep when his parents were coming in and out of his room for half an hour?

"Where were you?" they asked him.

"At a friends," he told them.

"You can't just not take your medicine, Tyler. Tyler?" His mother wouldn't leave him alone.

He's awake now. The daylight is bright; too bright. The light from the window hurts his eyes, so he closes them, but it's still too bright. He turns over onto his side to escape the light. It doesn't leave the room. He doesn't remember crying but his eyes are gooey from tear residue. He wants to go back to sleep, but his body isn't physically tired.

But the light, it _hurts_.

His mom enters the room. He smells her before she even steps foot into his dark area of light.

"You need to get up, Tyler." She sits down on his bed. The mattress creeks. He frowns. "It's almost 6. Get up." She pulls on his arm. He doesn't move. He opens his glossy, gooey eyes. "You'll feel better once you shower. Get up." 

"No," he speaks.

"C'mon, Tyler. Stop being childish. Get up." She pulls on his arm again, this time she pulls _hard_. Tyler rolls over onto his other side and ignores his mom's request to stop being 'childish'. "Tyler," she sighs heavily. "I'm trying to keep you alive here."

"I'm not a kid anymore, mom, I can take care of myself," Tyler tells her, head buried in his pillow. The light is still too much.

"You call this taking care of yourself?"

"I'm sleeping," he raises his voice.

"No, you're spiraling." She walks over to the other side of the bed.

"I'm sleeping," he repeats himself.

"You've been sleeping for almost 7 hours." She levels her head with Tyler's so she's speaking directly into his ear. He turns his head. "I'm not leaving you alone until you get up."

Tyler inhales, and sits up in bed. He's dizzy, his head hurts. He knows his mom is only trying to help, but he's tired of everyone always trying to help him. He doesn't need _help_. He needs to go back to sleep.

He decides that the only logical thing to do is to get up. So he gets out of bed, very slowly, giving his muscles time to adjust. He arches his back and stretches. He nearly falls over from how light headed he is. He sees stars but they aren't the pretty kind of stars.

"Go take a shower and then you need to come eat." His mom exits his room.

Tyler does as he's told and takes a shower. The water is too hot and it irritates his skin. The bottom of his feet burn. He stands under the streams of water, letting it hit his scalp. It hurts. Water trickles down his face. He keeps his eyes open.

Tyler pats his flustered skin dry, and pulls a clean shirt over his head. Water from his hair drips down his neck, causing the back of his shirt to stick to him. He stays in the bathroom for too long after he's done showering. The mirror in front of him is still completely coated in fog. He clears a spot of the glass with his hand and pouts at his appearance. He's glad that he's alone. He wants to stay in this bathroom forever, drawing on the glass, legs grounded to the floor of the shower, body slowly burning from the blistering water.

 _Good God_ , Tyler presses his arms down onto the bathroom counter until his elbows hurt. _Have I really lost my head?_

Tyler walks his feet backwards, leaning over so that his body is at a diagonal. He rests his chin on the counter, his eyes on his hands and his fingers and his chewed down fingernails. The rubber band around his right wrist catches his attention. He wants to take it off.

"I gotta pee." Someone knocks on the door. Correction, someone _pounds_ on the door. Tyler lifts his head up from the countertop. There's a small red mark on the bottom of his chin resulting from it being pressed against the hard surface.

Tyler leaves the bathroom and walks past his brother who apparently couldn't use the other two bathrooms located in this house. Why did he have to use the bathroom Tyler was in? He probably just wanted to make sure Tyler was okay, that he was still _alive_.

Tyler eats. It's hard at first and he feels gross with every swallow. But he eats. The rest of his family watches him. They've already eaten and are walking around the kitchen cleaning up. Tyler sits alone at the table, gagging down the home cooked meal. It doesn't taste bad at all, he just feels gross. Disgusting, actually. It's been over 8 hours since he's taken his medicine. _They should be working by now_ , Tyler thinks. Maybe they are working and this is just his new personality. Maybe he'll never stop feeling like this. Everyone is still staring at him as if he's a caged zoo animal. He hates when they stare at him. He hates when they treat him like a freak. _Gather around_ , he rolls his eyes. _The freak's here all week._

Tyler isn't a freak. He's just having a bad day.

For the first time all day, Tyler thinks about Josh. His fingers freeze around his fork. How could he forget about him? His memory is fuzzy. He remembers last night. He remembers Josh and how he trusted him. He was nice to him. He was, he is, good for Tyler, honestly. Genuinely. He met someone good.

He met someone good. _I'm not any good_ , Tyler's hands start to shake, his family still has their eyeballs on him. All of a sudden, Tyler is scared that Josh truly cares about him. Everyone who cares about him worries about him, and everyone who worries about him is let down in the end. But if felt so good to trust. Tyler felt so good when he was with Josh. He felt something other than fear.

Tyler stands up from the kitchen table and runs to the bathroom. He closes the door and vomits into the toilet, his hands wrapped around his torso.

-

"Where are you going?" Tyler's mom asks him as soon as his hand touches the doorknob to the backdoor.

"To make a call," he answers her honestly, stepping outside. He's instantly freezing. The tip of his nose turns pink, along with the edges of his ears. He's only wearing a light jacket.

Tyler needs to talk to Josh again. The thought of him made Tyler sick, physically sick. But Josh has been nervous, and he can't concentrate on anything other than Tyler. So Tyler has to talk to him.

Tyler looks at the phone in his hand. He shivers. He steps a few feet farther away from the door to make sure ease droppers don't hear a word that comes out of his mouth. He presses the phone to his ear and listens to it ring. It rings one and a half times and then he hears Josh's voice.

"Hello?" Josh breathes into the phone.

"Hey, it's Tyler."

"Yeah, hey." Josh is sure that Tyler can hear his heartbeat through the phone.

"Sorry I haven't texted back or anything. I've been kinda sick." Tyler looks down at his feet.

"Oh," Josh sighs, "that's okay." He's relieved to know that Tyler is alright. Maybe not alright, but alive at least. That's good enough for him.

"I just wanted to apologize," Tyler continues.

"You don't have to apologize. I understand." Josh is too nice.

"Well," Tyler blinks slowly, "I just wanted to clear that up. Bye." Tyler removes the phone from his ear but hears a sound coming from the other line.

"Wait!" Josh exclaims. He's sitting on the very edge of his couch now, scratching at the cushions. "Wait, don't go." Tyler doesn't go. He keeps the icy phone pressed against his ear. "Tyler?"

"Yes." Tyler let's Josh know he's still there.

"When can I see you again? I mean, like," Josh chuckles, "when can we hang out again?"

The question scares Tyler. His teeth chatter until his jaw hurts.

"I don't know." Tyler shivers again, nearly dropping the phone held by his fingers.

"We don't have to if you don't want to."

"I want to." Tyler kicks a piece of ice with his foot. He watches it slide across the pavement. "It's just-" He doesn't want to talk to Josh about himself anymore. "I've been busy a lot." Tyler chews on his fingernails. His cuticles are torn and sore.

"That's okay," Josh says. But it isn't really okay. Not to Tyler.

There's an uncomfortable silence. Josh wonders why Tyler is so closed off. Last night, he was so open. He was different. He was happier, more _alert_. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and it bothers Josh.

"You know," Tyler stands with his feet pushed tightly together, "I'm a lot to handle. I'm a lot to-deal with."

Josh doesn't understand what Tyler is trying to say. He knits his eyebrows and rubs his face with the hand that isn't tightly holding on to his phone.

"I'm kind of annoying and bothersome and I don't like a lot of things. I mess up frequently and I stress everyone out." Tyler keeps chewing on his fingers. He tastes blood. "I'm just not that good of a person."

"Tyler-"

"I think you'd hate me if you really got to know me."

"I did get to know you. Last night, I got to know you pretty well." Josh stands up from his sofa. He begins pacing around his apartment, restlessly.

"No." Tyler shakes his head. "That wasn't me."

"So you lied to me? All night then?"

"No."

"You should come over right now." Josh's heart skips a beat at the thought of seeing Tyler again.

"No, I can't do that."

"That's okay," Josh assures him.

"I should probably just go to sleep." Tyler isn't tired anymore. He's slept most of the day and he couldn't fall asleep if he tried his very hardest, but he can't keep talking on the phone.

"Okay, yeah. It is late." Josh sits back down on the couch, sinking into it and sighing.

"Yeah, goodnight." Tyler hangs up the phone. Josh says goodnight back but Tyler ended the call before he could hear him say it. Josh frowns.

Tyler doesn't go back inside instantly. He stands in the cold, watching his own breath come out in a cloud in front of him.

-

Tyler sits crisscross applesauce on his bed with a notepad and pen in front of him. He needs to write what he's feeling, because he can't say what he's feeling, and if he doesn't get it out somehow he might implode. It sounds dramatic, but true enough.

He starts with the date; he always starts with the date.

_Someone cares about me and I don't think they'll leave me alone._

He doesn't want to be left alone, at least not completely.

_They don't really know me. I can't tell them yet._

But Tyler does want to tell Josh. He wants to tell him everything so he'll go away. He will go away if he knows. They all eventually go away when they know.

_They seem kind. Maybe, just maybe, they'll stay. At least for a little while._

Josh will stay. Josh wouldn't dream of going away. Why would he? Why would he ever go away?

 _I think I want them to stay_.

And Tyler does want Josh to _stay_. He found someone who he wants to _stay_. He reaches for his phone, feeling impulsive, he calls Josh back.

Josh picks up immediately with a, "Hello?" But Tyler stays silent so he says his name, "Tyler?"

"I don't know why I called you back," Tyler murmurs. He uncrosses his legs and lays down sideways on his bed. He uses his hand to block the light shining directly into his eyes from the lamp on the small table next to his bed.

"Maybe because you wanted to talk?" Josh is in bed, too. He was listening to music on his laptop. It's quite ironic that Tyler called him while he was listening to Tyler's music.

"Maybe," Tyler huffs, "or maybe it was an accident."

"I know you didn't call me on accident."

"How do you know for sure?"

"Because I know you want to talk to me."

"How-" Tyler rolls onto his back. "You don't know me, bro."

"I know you, Tyler Joseph."

"Don't call me by my full name."

"Why? Does it make you uncomfortable?"

"No."

"Then why?"

Tyler sighs, "I shouldn't have called you."

"So you admit you called me on purpose?"

"I-" A smile is on Tyler's face. "You got me there."

"Tell me why you called." Josh shuts his laptop and pushes it to the end of his bed.

"I'm sad."

"Why are you sad?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Then we'll talk about something else."

"I don't want to talk about it but I think I need to."

"Okay."

"But not to you. That's weird. We kinda just met."

"Are you forgetting about last night?"

"Stop bringing up last night."

"Why? Did you hate last night or something?"

"No way." Tyler picks at his cuticles. "Last night was cool."

"You told me a lot about yourself. Why can't you tell me more now?"

"I'll scare you away."

"You didn't scare me away last-" Josh catches himself. "Sorry."

There's another silence, less uncomfortable this time. Tyler feels better. He's still scared and a bit sad but he feels better now.

"Can you talk about yourself?" Tyler asks.

"What do you want to know?"

"How old are you?"

"Twenty one."

"Me too. Any siblings?"

"I have a brother and two sisters. I'm the oldest."

"I have two brothers and a sister. I'm the oldest. Favorite movie?"

"Fight Club."

"Mines Dumb and Dumber. Um, how tall are you?"

"How tall am I?" Josh laughs. "Are you trying to get to know me better or sign me up for a dating website?"

Tyler laughs, too.

"Sorry, dude."

"No, keep going. I think I'm like 5'9" I think. Not sure."

"I'm like 5'10". Not sure either. You said last night you wanted to get a bunch of tattoos. What do you want to get?"

"So now we're talking about last night?"

"Please shut up."

"Okay, okay. I don't know, I want something that looks nice."

"Like, a flower?"

"No, something way more manlier."

"I like flowers," Tyler frowns.

"Then maybe I'll get a flower."

Tyler smiles, he tries to stop himself but he can't. His cheeks hurt and it feels _so_ good.

"Okay. If you could have dinner with any celebrity, dead or alive, who'd you pick?" Tyler gets out of bed briefly to turn the lamp making his eyes ache off.

"You." Josh doesn't even hesitate before the words leave his mouth. Tyler can hear the smile in his tone.

"I'm not a celebrity," Tyler blushes, smile on his face.

"You will be soon enough."

"I'm going to throw up if you don't stop being nice to me." Earlier today, Tyler threw up out of fear. Now, he's throwing up due to sweetness. Too sweet. Too good.

"Jeez, sorry," Josh grins. "Are you still sad?"

"Yes," Josh frowns. "Only a little, though."

"That's good."

"Thank you."

"For?"

"Just, talking to me and stuff."

"I like talking to you and stuff."

"Are you sure?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you sure you like taking to me?"

"Yeah..."

"Okay."

"Tyler?"

"What?"

"Are you, like, okay?"

"I don't know."

"Oh."

"Please don't worry about me." Tyler rolls the rubber band back and forth between his fingers.

"Well I kind of have to."

"Why?"

"Because I care about you."

Tyler huffs, "Why?"

"Because we're friends...that's what friends do."

"Are we friends?"

"Do you want to be friends?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I do."

"Then you can't get mad at me for caring about you."

"Don't tell me what to do."

"Ouch. Okay. You can be mad at me all you want."

"I'm not mad at you, Josh. You're so dramatic."

"I'm dramatic?" Josh shakes his head.

"Yeah."

"You know what, Tyler? I think you're dramatic."

"I am not dramatic."

"Yeah you are."

"I'm not dramatic. I'm just emotional."

"That's okay."

"It's annoying."

"Annoying to who? You or other people?"

"Annoying to everyone."

"I don't find it annoying."

"You will."

"I won't."

"We've been friends for less than two days."

"And in the two days we've been friends all you've been is emotional."

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I come over?"

"Yeah."

"Right now?"

"Yeah."

Tyler drives to Josh's apartment. He packs a small bag containing a toothbrush, toothpaste, an extra change of clothes, and his medicine. He knows he'll be spending the night.

When Tyler shows up to Josh's apartment, nose red, ears red, he knocks once on his door. The door opens, Tyler walks inside. It's dark, except for the dim light coming from the television in the living room.

"Dude. It's like 60° in here," Tyler tells Josh after he takes his jacket off. "Gotta save on bills. You know how it is."

"So you just, freeze to death? All day?"

"No. I keep myself warm." Josh sits down on the couch, followed by Tyler. Josh shares the blanket on his lap with him. Tyler toes each of his shoes off, pulling the blanket up to his chin.

"I'm still cold."

"You'll warm up."

Tyler sighs. Josh sighs. They sit side by side with their shoulders touching, sharing the warm blanket that isn't that warm at all. But they feel warm when they're together. Yes, it's cheesy. Everything is just warmer. Tyler's not sad anymore and Josh isn't worried about him anymore.

"I'm tired," Tyler whispers.

"Do you want to go to bed? I mean, like, not bed. I mean to sleep. Yeah," Josh stutters.

"Not yet. And you snore, you know." Tyler looks at Josh.

"I do not snore." Josh throws his head back.

"Yes you do. I heard you when I woke up. You were definitely snoring." Tyler grins with his lips pressed together.

"Oh, you mean when you skipped out on me?"

"Yep. Heard you snoring. Loud, too."

"Nope. Don't believe you."

"You've never been told by anyone that you snore?"

"No. Because I don't snore."

"They were probably just being cautious of your feelings."

Josh laughs, "Why aren't you?"

"Being cautious of your feelings? Cus' I know you well enough to know that you can take it."

"You don't know me that well."

"Are you forgetting about last night?"

"I can't believe you, Tyler Joseph," Josh giggles, tongue in between his teeth.

"I told you not to call me by my full name." Tyler pinches Josh's thigh under the blanket.

"Ow, dammit!"

"Watch your mouth."

"You're right, sorry. It is Sunday."

"It's Saturday."

"Nope." Josh shakes his head. "It's past midnight now."

"Really?" Tyler lifts his hands up from under the blanket and rubs his eyes.

"Yep."

"No wonder I'm so tired."  
"Let's go to bed. I mean, you know what I mean."

"Okay, yeah." Tyler nods.

Tyler didn't go over to Josh's place to talk. He went to be with Josh. Josh knows that. Tyler doesn't.

Josh stands up first, throwing his side of the blanket back onto the couch. Tyler grabs the small bag from off of the floor and follows Josh into the bathroom. Tyler retrieves his toothbrush.

"You didn't have to pack one of those. I would've let you borrow mine," Josh smiles, holding in laughter.

"Dude, you're gross."

They brush their teeth, looking at one another in the mirror, snorting, and trying to avoid dripping toothpaste all over themselves.

"You don't have to sleep on the couch," Josh tells Tyler when he watches him walk past the bedroom.

"Why would I sleep on the couch?"

"Oh." Josh smiles.

"Where are the cups at?" Tyler yells from the kitchen. Josh follows his voice and walks into the kitchen to find Tyler opening cabinets in search of a glass.

"This one." Josh opens a cabinet and hands Tyler a cup.

"Thanks." Tyler fills it up with water.

Josh watches as Tyler shyly leaves and then comes back with two bottles of pills. Each prescription is different. Tyler takes the medicine. Josh doesn't ask what it's for.

"Can I sleep on the right side tonight?" Tyler asks when they enter Josh's bedroom.

"Okay," Josh doesn't ask why.

"Okay."

Tyler stands beside the bed. He takes a risk and takes his sweatpants off. Josh watches him do it, and takes his off, too. Josh takes his shirt off. Tyler watches him do that, and takes his off, too. They've only got their underwear on. I guess it's a little weird, but sleeping fully clothed is even weirder.

They're in Josh's bed now. Face to face, eyes wide open.

"You don't annoy me," Josh whispers.

"Okay," Tyler whispers back.  
"You believe me then?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

"Tyler?"

"Yes?"

"Why'd you leave in the morning? Before I got up?"

"My parents didn't know where I was. They were, like, worried and stuff."

"Do they know you're here now?"

"No."

"That's bad, Tyler."

"I'm an adult."

"Yeah, you are."

"Are you going to leave tomorrow morning, too? It's okay if you do, but, if you do, wake me up first."

"Okay. I'll wake you up if I leave."

"It's okay if you leave."

"I don't want to leave. Do you?"

"I live here."

"That's not what I meant."

"Tyler?"

"What?"

"I'm not going to leave."

"Okay."

"I promise."

Their eyes are closed now.

Tyler is shivering.

"I can turn the heat up," Josh suggests. He doesn't want Tyler to be uncomfortable.

"No. That's okay."

"I'm gunna go turn it up."

"No." Tyler grabs ahold of Josh's wrist as he tries to leave.

"You're cold."

"I'm scared."

"Why are you scared?" Tyler doesn't respond. "Tyler?"

"Promise me you won't leave?"

"I already promised."

"Please promise again."

"I promise I won't leave."

Tyler stops shivering.

Josh thinks Tyler is asleep until he sniffs and itches his nose with the back of his hand.

"Tyler?"

"Yeah?"

"Never mind."

"You can't do that."

"Do what?"

"Just say 'never mind'. Now you gotta say what you were gunna say."

"Is that the rule from now on?"

"What?"

"If one of us says 'never mind', we have to say what we were gunna say."

"Yeah, that's the rule."

"Okay."

"So say it."

"Okay. Do I really snore?"

Tyler smiles. "Yeah. But not loud."

"Darn."

"It really isn't loud, Josh. It's like, quiet. Not annoying at all. I promise."

"Okay, good. If I keep you awake or anything just hit me."

"Hit you?"

"Yeah, wake me up."

"I don't know."

"That's kinda harsh. I'll just, I don't know, I'll nudge you."

"I will not wake up from a nudge. You'll have to hit me."

"I'm not going to hit you."

"Well, then I'll keep you awake with my loud, obnoxious snoring."

"I just told you it wasn't loud."

"But obnoxious."

"It's not obnoxious either."

"Okay."

"I am a light sleeper, though. Maybe I'll just hit you after all."

They laugh.

"Tyler?"

"Yep."

"Are you still sad?"

"No."

"Okay, good. Do you want to talk about why yet?"

"No."

"Okay."

"Wait, Josh?"

"Yes?"

"I have church tomorrow morning. I totally forgot."

"Um, okay."

"So I will have to leave early. Do you still want me to wake you up?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"So I can tell you bye."

"Why don't you just tell me bye now? Before we go to sleep?"

"That's weird."

"Yeah, you're right."

"You don't have to wake me up. It's okay."

"No, I'll wake you up."

"Okay, cool."

"Shouldn't you set an alarm or something, to like, wake you up?"

"I don't want to do that."

"Why?"

"It's bad."

"I don't want to wake up on time."

"Why not?"

"I just want to sleep in."

"So, sleep in."

"I'll feel guilty."

"So, do it anyways."

"You're a bad influence."

"I'm just telling you what you want to hear."

"Yeah."

"Do you not like church?"

"I do, I just don't feel like going tomorrow."

"You don't have to go every Sunday."

"I know. I'm going to sleep now." Tyler nuzzles his head into the pillow.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

They don't go to sleep. Josh can tell Tyler isn't sleeping by his quick breathing, and Tyler can tell Josh isn't sleeping by his quiet breathing. They don't say anything, they just listen to each other breathe, counting sheep and trying to stay warm. Josh thinks he hears Tyler crying.

He doesn't ask why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing this. I love writing this so much.


	4. Seven

"And how do you feel today?"

"Seven."

"That's good, Tyler."

That is very good. Usually Tyler feels like a four, a five, on good days a six. Never a seven. His eyes aren't tired, there's no deep, dark, grey circle underneath them.

"You look," his therapist sighs. It's a sigh of relief. "You look good. Less tired. Do you feel less tired?"

"Yes." 

"Are you still sleeping a lot?" 

"Kind of. But it's only because I've been staying up really late every night."

"Writing?"

"Yes. And talking."

"To?"

"I told you already." Tyler isn't annoyed. His voice just sounds that way.

"Josh?"

"Yes."

"You said you spent the night with him two nights in a row. Only those two nights?"

"Yes. I've got work, remember?"

"Right." She nods, tapping her pen on the clipboard of paper. Tyler doesn't want to know what she writes down after every session. "So you've made a new friend. That's good."

Tyler nods. He doesn't really want to talk about Josh but he's going to talk about him anyways.

"He doesn't know very much about me."

"How much does he know?"

"He just knows a little. I think he knows something's wrong with me, he's just too nice to ask me what."

"Nothing's wrong with you, Tyler."

"Yes, something's wrong with me." Tyler rolls his eyes. "It's okay. I don't care."

"If you don't care, why haven't you told him?"

"Dunno," he shrugs.

"Yes you do."

"Do you know?"

"I think I do."

"Then why do you want me to say it?"

"I want to hear it from you."

Tyler frowns. He's never understood why people make him say things. If they know, why do they want him to repeat it? It's bad enough as it is without him saying it out loud, making it _real_.

"Okay. I'm scared that if he knows he'll want to stop being friends with me."

"We've talked about this fear before. Why does this fear exist? Do you know?"

"I don't have many friends. I have-" Tyler chews on what's left of his fingernails. "I think I have, like, four maybe. Not best friends. I only have two best friends."

"Is Josh a best friend?"

"Not yet."

"Okay." She nods, writing something down.

"They know about me, and they're still my friends."

"So why are you so afraid that when Josh finds out about your problems he'll leave?"

Tyler looks down, chews on his fingernails some more, and thinks. _Why am I afraid?_  

"I think- I think I'm scared because it's too good to be true, I guess."

"Your friendship with Josh is too good to be true?"

"Yes. We like, connected. I don't know. I really like him and I just don't want him to stop liking me."

"You don't want to risk losing him?"

"Yeah." Tyler nods.

"That's a very logical fear."

"Is it?"

"Yes. You and Josh have something special. You found someone who you can talk to."

"Other than you." Tyler blows air out of his nose, looking down, smiling.

"Other than me. And you don't want to lose that special thing. It's understandable."

"I don't think he'll abandon me. Not now at least."

"Why is that?"

"Because I trust him."

"That is great, Tyler." She smiles widely, eyelashes touching her eyebrows.

Tyler leaves his therapy session, and for the first time in too long, he doesn't feel terribly about himself. He doesn't hate himself. He feels okay. He sits in his car outside of his house with his cellphone in his right hand, and his left hand on the steering wheel. He doesn't go into his house. He doesn't like talking about therapy after he gets done talking in therapy. There's too much talking, and Tyler gets embarrassed when he has to talk about himself a lot. He only likes talking about himself when he wants to.

 _You get off at 6 right?_ Tyler texts Josh. He doesn't text back for 10 minutes, but that's okay. Tyler just sits in his car with heat turned on.

_yep. food?_

_Yes. TB?_

_yes! meet u there?_

_Okay_

Tyler meets Josh there. His head is still in therapy session mode so he doesn't talk a whole lot at first. He lets Josh talk.

"I want to quit so bad, man. You know my hands are constantly cold. Constantly. I have cold and wet hands all day. It's so gross." Josh rants on about his low paying, medium wage job.

"So quit then."

"I can't just quit." Josh wraps his mouth around the burrito in his hands. Tyler has already finished his. "I mean, I could. I totally could just quit. But I can't."

"Why not?"

"I need money. And the management let's me work out a schedule so I can still play shows on nights I need to." Tyler understands that. "Anyways." Josh crumbles up his burrito wrapper and takes a sip of his soda. "What do you want to do now?"

"What do you want to do?"

"Whatever you want to do."

"I don't want to do anything."

"Then we can just do nothing."

"Where?"

"Mine?"

"I guess so. We never go to mine."

"You've never invited me over."

"Because I live with my parents and my room is in between my siblings rooms and the walls are like paper."

"Basement?"

"Yeah but my mom is like, super nosey. She'll probably record our conversation."

"Conversation? You said we were going to do nothing?"

"Whatever. Let's just go to yours."

They go to Josh's place and it's cold and Tyler loves it because he gets to sit on the couch with Josh and cuddle a blanket up to his chin.

"Do your parents know I exist yet?"

"Yeah," Tyler says. His fingers are holding the blanket up to the bottom of his lip so every time he speaks the entire blanket moves with his mouth.

"What did you tell them?"

"Just that you're my friend."

"Cool." Josh grins.

"What about yours?"

"Yeah, they know about you."

"Cool."

"Are you freezing?" Josh asks Tyler.

"No," Tyler answers.

"Sure?"

"Yeah."

"Want to watch a movie?"

"What movie?"

"Anything that's on Netflix." Josh eyes Tyler, an eyebrow raised in hopefulness.

"Okay. But it can't be a romance."

"I love romances." Tyler glares at Josh. Josh mocks Tyler's glare. Tyler smiles.

They move to Josh's bedroom. Because both of them insist on watching movies in bed, they climb under the covers, Tyler on Josh's left, and search for a movie. It never matters what movie they decide to watch. Being beside each other with a screen in front of them is a distraction. They can relax. They don't have to worry about carrying on a conversation. Sometimes it's too tiring to talk. So they watch movies, and they still enjoy each other's company.

"Can it be scary?" Josh scrolls down to the horror movie section and waits for Tyler's response.

"Yes, but not gory. I hate that stuff."

"Hm," Josh hums with eyebrows furrowed. "You pick something." Josh slightly pushes the laptop in Tyler's direction.

"No." Tyler pushes it back.

"Well, I don't know what to pick."

"Just pick something."

Josh picks something. They watch it with pillows against the headboard, and their backs against the pillows. Tyler falls asleep about 30 minutes into the movie, and his head falls onto Josh's shoulder. Josh doesn't move it. He doesn't put his arm around Tyler either, although he wants to, and contemplates it the entire time Tyler is asleep. Josh does turn the volume of the movie down, so Tyler doesn't wake up due to something loud erupting from the speakers. They are watching a scary movie after all.

Tyler is still asleep when the movie ends, shoulders loose, mouth open, head on Josh's shoulder and falling into the his neck. Josh likes it so he doesn't wake Tyler up. Josh sits with a closed laptop burning into his thighs. It feels okay. Everything feels okay.

When Tyler finally comes to, he acts like he wasn't just asleep, and his head wasn't just on Josh's shoulder. He wipes his glossy, gooey eyes.

"That movie sucked," Tyler says with a groggy voice.

"Yeah dude, it sucked," Josh laughs.

"What time is it?"

"Almost 8."

"Shoot." Tyler kicks the covers off of his legs. "My parents probably think I'm like doing drugs or something."

"They don't know you're here?"

"I'm an adult."

"Yeah, an adult that still lives with his parents."

Josh follows Tyler to the door.

"Alright. I'll text you." Tyler opens the door and freezing air rushes into the freezing apartment.

"Okay, see ya." Josh closes the door behind Tyler. He's sad to see him go.

Tyler drives home slowly, watching out for slivers of frozen precipitation stuck to the road. That's not why he's driving so slow though. He's driving slow because he doesn't want to go home yet. He never really wants to go home. Josh knows how Tyler feels. He's brought it up before.

 _"You don't have to go home," Josh tells Tyler._  
_"Work in the morning."_  
_"You can stay here."_  
_"Don't have my stuff."_  
_"Well bring it. Bring it all. You can stay here, like, move in."_

_Tyler frowns, a confused and nervous look on his face._

_"You can help with the rent. Then maybe we can get rid of these blankets. It won't have to be so cold all the time."_  
_"I like the cold."_  
_"I don't."_  
_"I would be a terrible roommate."_  
_"I don't think so. You basically live here anyways, you just sleep over there."_  
_"We've been friends for less than a week."_  
_"At least we're friends. I'm probably going to have to have a stranger move in here."_  
_"I'm serious. I would be the worst roommate you've ever had. I'm terrible company,"_  
_"That's bull, man."_  
_"Whatever."_

Josh doesn't bring it up again.

Tyler goes home. All the lights in the house are on. His family is probably in distress over his recent absences. He enters the house, passes his parents who have their bottoms glued to the couch cushions, and proceeds to walk to his bedroom where he'll be safe from any questioning. But he isn't safe. His mom follows behind his footsteps until they're both in Tyler's room.

"You can't keep doing this." His mom leans against the doorframe, her arms crossed, face twisted into a disappointed frown.

"I was with a friend."

"You didn't tell anybody where you were going. We were expecting you home after therapy so we could all eat together like a family."

"I already ate."" Tyler tosses his notebook full of ink in front of him on the bed. He opens it up and starts writing. He starts with the date.

"I'm talking to you." His mom steps forward and takes the notebook off of Tyler's bed.

"Give it back." Tyler reaches for it as soon as he sees her hand touch the paper. "Mom, give it back." He stands up out of bed.

"You need to be respectful to me while I'm talking to you." She holds the notebook under her arms.

"I went to a friends apartment, we hung out, and watched a movie. That's all."

"Who is this friend? A girl?"

"No, he's not a girl."

"How did you meet him?"

"At a show." Tyler attempts to retrieve the notebook again. His mom steps backwards.

"Is he like you?"

"Like me how? Mentally ill or into music?"

"Watch your mouth."

"I'm an adult. With a car, and a job, and a life outside of this house." Tyler rubs his left eyebrow.

"You live in this home which means you will follow our rules in this home."

"Why are you making this such a big deal?" Tyler's fingers travel through his hair, scratching his scalp and tugging on his roots.

"Tyler." His mom sighs. "I am worried something is going to happen and we won't know where to find you."

"Nothing will happen."

"Something could happen."

"Then I'll give you his address."

"That won't ease my concerns."

"So you want me to stop hanging out with him?"

"I didn't say that."

"But you're implying it."

"I need you to be safe and healthy."

"I'm fine. I made a new friend."

"And that's okay. But spending all your time with him isn't a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Well, you just met him right?" Tyler nods. "You barely know each other other."

"How will we get to know each other if we don't spend time together?"

"He knows everything about you?"

"Gosh." Tyler's aggravation is clear in his voice. He crosses his arms and straightens out his posture. He's breathing heavily, teeth pressed together hard enough to make his jaw hurt. "Can you leave?"

"Tyler."

"Please get out."

"I'm not trying to be hurtful. I just care about you," she informs.

"Josh cares about me, too." His mom tilts her head in confusion. "My new friend."

"I'm sure he does, but-"

"No." Tyler shakes his head. "He _cares_ about me."

"I never said he didn't." She steps closer to him. Her hands move in delicate motions as she speaks to him.

"You think he's gunna bail on me, don't you?" Tyler lowers his voice.

"Tyler." She exhales a breath, but doesn't answer Tyler's question.

"Maybe he will." Tyler's eyes sting as tears touch his eyelids. He's not good at hiding his emotions. "Can you please leave?"

His mom nods, attempting to give Tyler a kiss on the cheek but he jerks his head away. He's still fighting off tears after she's out of his room.

His mom left his notebook on his bed. He doesn't write anything down. He snaps the rubber band around his wrist until there's lines of red, swollen, impressions on his skin.

Tyler knows exactly what his mom is thinking. She's doubtful of his new relationship, as she should be. Tyler isn't good at making friends. Tyler isn't good at forming relationships and _keeping_ them. His mom has the same fear that Tyler does: that the stress of being friends with Tyler will be to great for Josh and he will end their friendship. Friends, girlfriends, even family members have essentially let Tyler go.

Some of Tyler's concern about Josh dissolved earlier in therapy, but in no thanks to his mom, they're back and as forceful as ever. His head aches. There's an overbearing feeling of helplessness taking control of his self conscious.

 _Can I come back over?_ Tyler texts Josh after laying in bed for 10 minutes thinking of what to do next. He needs to get out of the house. He needs to stop thinking.

_sure_

Tyler brushes his teeth, takes his medicine, and leaves his house. Tyler's parents were arguing in their bedroom and didn't notice him slipping out of the front door. The ice on the road is still visible, but Tyler doesn't watch out for it this time. The heat in his car isn't working properly so he shows up to Josh's apartment shivering, tear drops clinging to his bottom lashes. Josh is waiting by his door when Tyler knocks on it.

"Are you okay?" Josh asks. Tyler doesn't answer that. He walks into Josh's apartment wearing a straight face.

Tyler wants to tell Josh why he's upset, but he doesn't. He sits down on the couch. Josh sits down to the left of him. A blanket is pulled on to their laps. Tyler doesn't tuck it under his chin like he usually does. He doesn't move at all. Josh doesn't ask questions or stare. He only sits beside Tyler and breathes; that's enough for Tyler. It's late, the stars are present in the sky. There's a faint sound of crickets chirping. Tyler wonders how crickets can live on such a harsh, cold night. He's struggling to live himself, and he's not even a cricket.

Josh wants to put his arm around Tyler. Maybe if he did Tyler would feel better. Josh doesn't know how severe Tyler's current mental state is. He's naive enough to think a small physical gesture would help Tyler enough to cure the lump in his throat. But who knows, it may be exactly what Tyler needs. He needs reassurance. Josh doesn't put his arm around Tyler.

Five minutes, ten minutes, twenty minutes. Tyler and Josh are still silent on the couch. They haven't spoken a word. After Tyler ignored Josh's question, Josh came to the conclusion that no, Tyler's not okay. He didn't come here to talk. He came here to be with Josh. Tyler's neck keeps slightly tilting in Josh's direction, but as soon as he feels his hair brush against Josh's shoulder he snaps his head back up. It's tiring. Josh notices it. He's made a deal with himself. If Tyler's head does end up falling onto his shoulder, he'll then wrap an arm around Tyler in support. It's the right thing to do.

Tyler is tired. He's not _sleepy_. He doesn't need rest. He's just tired. He wants to sleep. But _Josh_. Josh is beside him and he's doing that thing where he makes Tyler feel better by doing absolutely nothing. _How does he do that?_ Tyler wonders. It's a mystery. Tyler doesn't really want to know why. He doesn't want to know why his friend of less than a week makes him feel so much.

After more and more time disappears, Tyler finally surrenders to sleep. He lets his head fall onto Josh's shoulder. He nudges at Josh's neck with the top of his head, sighing. Josh lifts his arm up, letting Tyler's head slide deeper into the crease of his neck, and wraps it around the backs of Tyler's shoulders. Tyler stirs slightly, shifting his body to a more comfortable position. Josh can't even think about sleep right now. Not when Tyler is cuddled up next to him in a fetal position making Josh's cheeks sting with affection.

Josh pulls the blanket over Tyler, covering cold skin. Tyler is sleeping now. His mouth is open, skin between his eyebrows still slightly wrinkled, feet twitching every now and then. Josh keeps his eyes open for as long as possible. He watches Tyler sleep like he did the first night they shared a bed together. Josh wonders why Tyler didn't go directly to Josh's bedroom if he only wanted to sleep. It could be because Tyler wanted his head to fall on Josh's shoulder again so he could have an arm lazily wrapped around him. There's a few hours until sunrise. Josh leans his head against Tyler's and sleeps.

-

When Josh wakes up, the first thing he notices is a sharp pain in his neck. It starts at the back of his head and ends where his shoulders begin. He slept in an uncomfortable position, but that's okay. Tyler slept soundly, waking up with his head on top of Josh, using his chest as a pillow. Sometime in the early morning, Josh changed his posture. They must have fallen sideways, causing Josh's neck to lay crooked, and Tyler's head to lay against Josh's heart. Josh doesn't know that, though. He wakes up alone on the couch.

He panics at first, thinking back to Saturday morning when he woke up and Tyler had disappeared. Tyler might have just gone home again, like he did before. But Josh had told him to wake him up in the mornings before he leaves. Did Tyler think that only applied for that specific morning? Josh keeps his head against the throw pillow he uncomfortably slept on.

Before Josh even has a chance to way out the options for a second time, Tyler walks into the apartment with tears streaking his cheeks. He's cold, shivering all over, nose and ears red. He doesn't see that Josh is awake at first. He doesn't notice Josh's dilated eyes on him. He paces in front of the door, taking small steps. He shakes his head fast, throwing droplets of water across the room. Josh stands up at the sight of Tyler. He cautiously stands up from the couch and walks over to him. Tyler puts his head down as soon as he notices movement out of the corner of his eyes. He stops pacing.

"Are you okay? Where were you?" Josh asks.

"I went for a walk," Tyler says. His voice contains no emotion. Tyler appears nervous, wiggling his fingers, and breathing heavily; probably due to the intense crying that just took place.

"It's freezing outside, Tyler."

"I like the cold."

"Why didn't you wake me up? We could have gone together."

"I wanted to be alone." Tyler's eyes dart to Josh and then to the floor. Over and over again. There's something lodged in Tyler's esophagus, tightening his throat and making his eyes sting. He can't cry in front of Josh. He just can't.

"How long have you been out there?" Josh leads Tyler to the couch. He sits him down and covers him with the blanket. He's shaking from head to toe. Josh doesn't know whether it's from the cold or something else.

"I don't know."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Josh stands still, watching over Tyler. There's particles of melted snow in Tyler's hair.

"I think I should go home," Tyler says with chattering teeth. He sniffles.

"Okay." Josh nods. But Tyler makes no effort in going home. He stays sitting on Josh's couch with a blanket nearly covering his mouth. Josh sits down beside him. "You can talk to me, you know. I won't judge you or anything."

"I don't think you should be friends with me," Tyler sighs. He holds in his tears. He doesn't look at Josh. Josh looks at Tyler, eyebrows crinkled in confusion.

"Why not?" Josh crosses his arms.

"I told you already. I'm a burden. You'll find out eventually and leave so you might as well stop being friends with me now." Tyler bites his lips, tearing delicate skin off and swallowing hard.

"I promised you I wouldn't leave."

"Why do you want to me friends with me?"

"Because." Josh looks at the ceiling. "I like you. I think you're cool and I like talking to you."

"I'm crazy," Tyler whispers. "I'm insane."

"I don't care what you are, man."

"What do you mean?" Tyler lifts his ice cold hands out from under the warmth of the blanket and rubs his face. He drags the skin below his eyelids down with his fingertips, wiping his cheeks dry of any tears. No new ones have fallen yet.

"I mean, you're my friend." Josh attempts to lay a hand on Tyler's shoulder, but Tyler reacts negatively to the gesture. He almost instinctively moves away from Josh's touch. "Sorry," Josh apologizes.

It's quiet for a while. Josh tries to think of more to say to ease the tension in the room. He's afraid if he speaks now, he'll say too much. Is saying too much better than not saying anything at all? He's unsure of that right now. Josh wants to make Tyler feel better, but he can't do that unless Tyler let's him.

"Whatever's bothering you," Josh speaks soothingly, "you can tell me. You can talk about it."

"Just." Tyler looks at Josh, his eyes glossy. Not gooey, just glossed over from tears. "Promise me again."

Josh thinks back to the second night they spent together.

_"Promise me you won't leave?"_

Josh had promised twice that night. He meant it the both times he promised that he wouldn't leave Tyler. He didn't exactly know what Tyler meant by _leave_. It's more clear now. Josh understands. His heart hurts.

"I promise I won't leave." Josh stares into Tyler's eyes.

Tyler feels like he's going to cry again. He wraps his arms around Josh, and hugs him. Josh feels Tyler's cold hands pressed against the back of his neck and his cold nose pressed against his shoulder as he hugs Tyler. Tyler is _cold_ ; his entire body is frozen from the intense temperature outside. He begins to feel warm again once his body is pressed against Josh. And Josh hugs him, tightly. And Tyler doesn't cry.

Josh squeezes Tyler's shoulders with his biceps. Tyler stops breathing heavily and he relaxes, falling deeper and deeper into Josh's arms. He sniffles every few seconds. Josh rubs circles with his hands on Tyler's back like his mom used to do when he was upset. They stay quiet. Anything spoken between them right now would be awkward. Tyler and Josh both conclude that it's the worlds longest hug.

When they finally separate, Tyler smiles. His teeth are still chattering and he's covered in chill bumps, but he smiles. Of course Josh smiles, too. He notices the dimple in Tyler's right cheek. He hasn't seen it before. It's genuine, Tyler's smile. Josh decides that he'll do anything and everything in order to see that smile as much as he possibly can.

-

Obviously trust is vital to any healthy and happy relationship. In order for any relationship to last, both people involved must learn to trust. Whether it be a romantic relationship or a friendship, trust is needed. Lies are prohibited.

Tyler trusts Josh. He tries to remember that he trusts him. Sometimes Josh will ask Tyler a question, and Tyler will lie without even realizing it. They're white lies, nothing too severe, but Tyler notices and corrects himself. Josh understands. Tyler can't help it. He's learning how to not be afraid of telling the truth. The _whole_ truth.

Tyler tells Josh when he's having a bad day. He doesn't have to, because Josh knows, but he does anyways.

_"You don't have to come over," Josh tells Tyler over the phone. "I understand."_

_"Can I just come over and like...sleep."_

_"Sure."_

Tyler spends the night with Josh a lot over the next week or so. Tyler doesn't like sleeping alone anymore. When Tyler's having a bad day or night, him and Josh will sleep on the couch. Tyler's head will fall onto Josh, and Josh will wrap his arm around him. Sometimes Tyler pretends to fall asleep so he can actually _feel_ Josh's arm across the back of his neck. Josh acts like he doesn't know Tyler's faking it, but he knows. He doesn't bring it up.

Tyler knows that Josh knows. Little white lies are all they are.

**Author's Note:**

> @tylerrarchive on Twitter.


End file.
